After getting the devastating news of possibly having a stillborn, my husband and I had to make a difficult decision to go through an immediate emergency C-section surgery. I begin to have an anxiety attack about the surgery. I had no time to prepare, no time to research. This was NOT my plan. I had two and a half more months to prepare for my baby to arrive. I wanted to do a natural vaginal delivery. What is going on here? What is wrong with my body? Why is it that I always have a divergence from normal? At that very moment, my mind went to every negative thing that I could think of. I thought of all the bad things that has ever or could ever happen to me. I made myself believe that the worst was yet to come.
I already had a miscarriage in 2018, had infertility issues for about 2 years, and now here we are, my placenta not giving my baby enough nutrients to grow sufficiently, and my blood pressure was sky rocketing high that I was nearly about to have a stroke. I felt so alone, defeated and disabled.
I remember trying to think of comforting scriptures and prayers, but that became exceedingly difficult. It was so hard to get out of my fears and emotions just to pray. My brain was too clogged to think. I began to text my friends and family so they could send me love and comfort through scriptures and prayers. I knew giving up on God at that
moment was not the way although I was tempted.
Thank God for family, Godly relationships and my amazing and supportive husband. I've come to realize that just because childbirth is very common does not mean it is a light weight procedure. Delivery really takes a toll on a woman’s body. We rushed into pregnancy not taking into account that pregnancy and delivery not only affects the body but it also affects the mind. I cried every day for two weeks after my C-section procedure. It was not only hormones that made me emotional, it was also hurt and disappointment. I was battling what I wanted verses what I got. I wanted a full term, healthy baby. I was angry with God. Why would he allow this to happen to me after blessing
me with something I have been wanting for so long. I was undoubtedly at my weakest ever. I later realized that I was angry with God because I did not understand him! Honestly, I did not think things would be this complicated or could ever be this complicated. I have heard of women having pregnancy and delivery complications, women dying of pregnancy complications, and children having development issues due to pregnancy complications, but crazily, I never thought that it would happen to me. I began to feel as though everything I did for God in the past did not count. I felt so not blessed. I had nothing to offer myself to keep my head above the water. I was drowning in fear and hopelessness. My situation was so unfortunate, not to add being in the middle of a pandemic. With all of this, God began to speak to me. We all know that God speaks to us through his word.
God revealed to me that it is ok to ask questions. “The Samaritan woman had questions and Jesus gave her answers.” (Emma Causey, Matthew 4). Becoming angry with God meant I was not trusting him. Therefore, I was not loving him. Love is trust (1 Corinthians 13:7). To not love God is a dangerous place to be. The bible says if we are not for him then we are against him (Matthew 12:30). We all know we cannot win without God being on our side (Luke 14:31).
Due to my lack of love and trust for God, my emotions overtook me and I allowed my mind to slip into all forms of negativity. I allowed Satan to take me to a dark place. Philippians 4:8 says, “Whatsoever things are True, whatsoever things are Honest, whatsoever things are Just, whatsoever things are Pure, whatsoever things are Lovely, whatsoever things are of Good Report, think on these things.” This scripture truly helped me get through this difficult time. You see, the Truth is that God was actually blessing me even through my circumstance. I was not the only one that has ever gone through this situation. For me to feel like something was wrong with me, or that I was alone was a lie.
Honestly, my baby could have been a still born, but she is alive and well. I am forever grateful for that mercy. This was such a huge blessing. God’s timing was perfect. I saw women leaving the hospital with their newborn babies. I had friends who were pregnant around the same time as me yet they were still on the road to a healthy pregnancy and delivery with a healthy baby. I felt as though God favored them and their pregnancies, but God is a Just God. I am less than no one. My child is less than no other. God shows no favoritism (Romans 2:11). I do not have to compare myself to anyone. God will treat me fairly and bless me according.
With my ungratefulness I was led to an Impure heart. I began to resent others and became critical feeling as though I was lacking love from others around me. I was not able to have a baby shower. I was not able to gather things in my baby’s nursery as I desired. My heart was being purged and matured. I became resentful and my jealousy and enviousness was making my heart grow cold and sick. I was being deceived. (Jeremiah 17:9).
The Loveliest thing is, I have always wanted to help women and be influential and impactful. I strongly believe that this was God’s way of showing me how I can do what I dreamed. What I have gone through was to prepare me to help those women that God would put in my path. Just as Jesus came to earth and went through many things to show us the way through live examples. This is my way to grow and learn to be a powerful teacher and demonstrator. Who would have thought, to fulfill my dream I would have to suffer many things! Luke 17:25 says “But first he had to suffer many things and be rejected by this generation.” This too was me; the only difference is God has not rejected me like the generation rejected Jesus. It was to make me strong and to help me ultimately fulfill my dreams. I can literally say, everything I have been through even besides this point, I found myself in the situation(s) only to help others (1 Peter 2:21)
As far as a Good Report, I am a survivor and I'm grateful to be here. I am grateful for my baby to be here. There is still a little ways to go with my baby being in neonatal intensive care at 2.5 pounds, we are still in the midst of a pandemic, we are still fighting racism, and I have a personal life and business that requires a lot of my energy and attention. However, I am confident in this, God has brought me this far, he will NOT leave me (Philippians 1:6). I have received everything that my heart has desired in its full measure. I may not have gotten it in the form or order that I planned, but I have received immeasurable more that I could have thought or imagined (Ephesians 3:20).
God tells us to think of the things that are True, Honest, Just, Pure, Lovely, and things of Good Report because this is the spiritual vaccine for anxiety. If any of the opposite of these things begin to overtake us, we will fall mentally. I use this scripture as a 1, 2, 3, practical to prevent myself from being anxious. I believe that all mental illnesses start first with anxiety. We are often tempted to give up the fight and fall into depression and anxiety but the bible tells us that when we are tempted God always gives us a way out (1 Corinthians 10:13).
I implore anyone who is reading this to do the same. Take charge of your mental health with the word of God! It has never failed me, and it will not fail you, even through pandemics and civil wars.
Glory to God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8),
Amen
Guest Contributor: Dr. Angel Jones is a beautiful wife, mother of two amazing little girls and a Disciple of Jesus Christ. When she's not pulling teeth LOL she's studying the bible with women and sharing the gospel of Jesus with LOVE and conviction.
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